NOT Perfect - and that's OK

"Don't focus on getting him to do what you think he should do. Trust that he's a thinking being. Trust he can make thoughtful decisions. He won't right now necessarily make the best decisions. He's trying things out, seeing what happens. He may be pushing his eyes as far as he can right now to test his limits." ~Joyce Fetteroll

This is specifically regarding eye strain in a kid who is playing a lot of video games, but the part I bolded is an addition to the "Trust her" idea that was in my last post. That concept hadn't been spelled out before. Reading it made me realize I need to remind myself that it's OK for Zoe to make "less than ideal" choices right now. I still find myself "perfectionizing" her a LOT, and that's not helpful for allowing her to learn to make mindful choices. She needs to be able to make her own choices, and to see the natural results.

In this same line of thought, Zoe said something yesterday that wasn't EXACTLY right, so I was telling her what the "correct" thing was, and she said to me, "Mom, can't you just let me be right sometimes?"  Ouch. So I apologized and I'm gonna try to stop "correcting" things that I think aren't exactly right. Then I wondered if MY parents ever let me be "right" about things like that, and I don't know if they did, but that would explain why I seem to always want to be right and have a focus on being precise about things. Or it could just be my personality. 

I'm WAY TOO judgmental of the things that Zoe says, but I'm gonna stop doing this. I'm going to focus on NOT correcting EVERYTHING all the time. I know that it would irritate me if Cheo did this same thing to me, and I would feel frustrated and like he thought I was dumb. I might even stop sharing things with him, for fear that he would just "correct" me. 

Yuck. I don't want to make Zoe feel that way, ever.

Update on Yelling: Now that I'm not initiating the yelling (most of the time), I've found some great tools to employ in my interactions with Zoe when SHE starts yelling. First, I try to keep top-of-mind that she is yelling because *I* modeled that behavior to her. This helps me to have empathy and not take the yelling personally. Then, I tell her that I'm not going to stay in the same room with her if she's yelling at me, and when she's ready to talk, I'll be in another room.

I've found that if I stay in the same room with her, often I end up getting angry and yelling back at her, or I continue to antagonize her (cuz I can't seem to keep my mouth shut), and she gets angrier and angrier. NOT yelling is still pretty new to me, so I had to find a way to remove myself from the situation. If I leave the room (calmly), and let her know that I'm available to her when she's ready, we both can calm down and we can then address what's made her upset (or not, because sometimes she just wants to not talk about it - and that's usually when she already understands the situation and just doesn't want to get beat down by talk). I'm learning to respect that request, which has made our relationship MUCH better.

She's really smart and perceptive. She gets it - and if she doesn't, it's because she's not ready to yet. :)

Listen and Trust

*Listen* to what she says with an open mind. Don't listen with an ear tuned to your ideas of what she should be thinking or should not be thinking. Listen to *her* ideas. Don't impose your "right" way of thinking on her. Don't lead her to your "right" way of viewing the world. Listen to her growing understanding. Trust that she's a thinking being and her ideas will change as she gains experience with the world. Trust she'll value kindness if who she is is treated with respect and kindness. Trust that she'll want to step on your ideas if you show her that's what you do with people who don't have the same ideas as you do. ~Joyce Fetteroll

I read this and immediately wanted to shout it out loud to the world. It wonderfully expresses an understanding that has just begun to blossom in me regarding my relationship with Zoe. It's a pretty simple idea; to treat your child as a person of value. Not a CHILD of value. A person of value. 

Zoe is not an extension of myself. She is not a piece of clay to mold as I see fit. She is her own PERSON. 

And she has GREAT ideas! Now that I am taking the time to partner with her and really LISTEN to what she is saying, I've found that she's full of interesting, different, SUCCESSFUL ways of doing things that I've been doing MY WAY for years. And, more often than not, her ideas are BETTER than what I've always done. It's both humbling and very exciting!

The second part of this quote really affected me. Trust. Trust her. Trust that she will absorb how I treat her and will extend the same kind of behavior to those in her life - for good or bad. I've actually SEEN this demonstrated, in both ways, in the past few weeks.

If you've been reading my blog, you'll know that I've had a big struggle with anger and yelling. Well, I finally feel like I'm gaining understanding and control of my reactions in stressful situations; situations that would have previously caused me to become undone. I'm seeing a breakthrough, and almost every time I feel that anger coming up, I'm able to stop and take a breath, and respond calmly to the situation. It's a wonderful feeling.

But Zoe is still operating under the old framework that she learned from observing the way I reacted for most of her life. 

Zoe has a puppy, named Muffins. She loves her more than anything else in her life right now, with the possible exception of Cheo and me. ;) When Muffins does something that frustrates her, things that Zoe can't control (normal puppy things - like chewing on a shoe or not snuggling when Zoe wants her to), I sadly watch her mimic the horrible ways I have treated her in the past. Yelling at her, holding on to her (even though it's obvious that Muffins wants to get down), making angry faces at her. My heart aches for them both. The puppy who is starting to be afraid of her owner and the little girl who is hurting and scaring the thing she loves most in the world.

Then my heart aches for the little girl and her mama, who have played out these same kinds of scenarios for most of the past 6 years. I hope and pray that the love and lessons of peace that I've learned and am now applying will somehow override the damage I've done to the most wonderful gift in my life. And I pray that she will see and understand so her own children won't have to feel the sadness and hurt that she has during the past 6 years.

I've caught myself saying to Zoe about Muffins, "If you treat her badly, she won't like you very much and she won't want to be around you." If this is true with dogs, how much more true is it with our children? They may be able to hide it better, but the feelings are still there.

Thankfully, I've learned (and am learning) better ways to deal with anger and NOW I'm modeling better behavior to her most of the time. And I'm seeing her start to model some of the new, better behaviors that she sees. We also talk about strategies that work for HER to help her not treat Muffins poorly even when she feels angry or hurt. I understand that what works for me may not work for her, so I focus on HER feelings and what makes HER feel better.

I see now that the key to having a home filled with peace is to BE peaceful, and to listen - REALLY listen and respect everyone in the home.

Anger Management

Get angry - it can be about anything, big or small. Say something you'll regret. Stomp away. Try to take a deep breath. Stop mid-breath (cuz you're REALLY angry) and come back. Say something else you'll regret (or say the same thing you said earlier, but in a different way, in case she didn't get it the first time.) Stomp away again. Slam the door to emphasize your anger. Cry. Take many deep breaths. Stay in that room because you're afraid of what else you might say to harm your child. Think about what a horrible mother you are. Come back. Apologize, knowing that you have done one MORE thing to damage the relationship with your child.

This is what I did yesterday. It was awful. I don't EVER want to do it again.

But I probably will. 

After all, we just started peaceful parenting in October and I'm not very good at controlling my anger yet. It all makes sense in my head, but the examples I had and the behaviors I learned as I was growing up didn't prepare me to deal with my anger without hurting my child. And I've been modeling these behaviors to Zoe all her life, so she doesn't know a healthy way to deal with anger either.

I could make excuses. I just woke up. I'm PMS-y. I didn't get enough sleep. The puppy just grabbed something you left on the floor AFTER I reminded you that if you leave things on the floor, Muffins will probably eat them. 

But really, the reason or reasons I was angry don't matter. The problem is that because healthy anger management was not modeled to me and I have not yet learned how to process my anger and work through it instead of letting it explode all over those around me, I inflicted emotional damage on my precious daughter. Again.

The anger management that WAS modeled to me involved yelling, slamming things around to make loud noises, belittling the object of your anger, and feeding that internal feeling of "you hurt me (somehow that you may not even realize) so I'm gonna hurt you with my words until I can tell that you feel bad enough about it." Nearly 37 years of THAT has messed up the way I interact with my daughter AND my husband (who thankfully doesn't seem to have these problems.) Add to that the control issues I have which are related to the perfectionism I struggle with and you have a toxic combo.

Now, you might be saying, "Stop blaming your parents." But the reality is that I don't BLAME them. My dad came from a physically abusive alcoholic home and my mom has never felt like she was good enough. (I'm pretty sure it's because her mom compared her to her sisters that were good at certain specific things, and my mom was good at other things that were somehow less important to her mom.) My dad didn't hit us. And my mom has done all she can to make sure that we know she loves us. Btw, my mom is the most awesome homemaker I know, and she has a genuine love for people that is very rare these days. She's also really good at sports. :)

They did better than their parents did. 

So I don't blame them for my issues. But it's helpful to recognize where your mess comes from when you're trying to clean it up. I'm acknowledging that I am ill-prepared for peaceful parenting. But I have the "want to." I see the beauty that can come from respecting your child and supporting their passions. I see how treating them the way you would have wished to be treated when you were a child can make their lives sparkly and joyful. And I want that for Zoe. 

I have a lot of mess to clean up from my years of not being peaceful. That doesn't mean I can't do it. It doesn't mean that every day I can't get a little bit better at it. And eventually that "a little bit better" will lead to peace. I'm working on sooner rather than later.

It's so sad to see Zoe modeling the things in me that I loathe. It hurts so much to see her hurting others and watching the anger hurt HER. But Zoe and I are learning TOGETHER how to react in a healthy way to our anger. We've set up some strategies to give each other a "break" if either of us is starting to feel angry. We can declare it for ourselves or for the other person without judgment or animosity. 

And I've given Zoe the freedom to walk out of the room if she feels angry for any reason, so she can take some time until she feels like she can communicate without anger. Before I realized that was something she needed from me, I would follow her if she left the room and continue to talk at her. You know, because walking out of the room when we're in the middle of a conversation is rude and disrespectful. 

Bullshit.

She was recognizing that she couldn't continue the conversation without becoming angry and was taking steps to try to address and control that anger so she wouldn't explode. WHY would I NOT let her do that??? For a 6yo, that's a pretty amazing realization, and a great strategy for de-escalating the situation - as long as mom doesn't follow you and continue to say things that hurt you and make you angry.

Every time she or I feel out of control and "take a break" instead of spewing anger at each other, we are making our lives a little bit better. Every time we choose peace, we get closer to having a peaceful home. And I am so thankful that Cheo doesn't deal with most of these issues, because he can be the island of peace when Zoe and I are struggling.

A side effect of me really learning how to control my anger and sharing my struggle with Zoe is that she will probably have mastered these tools long before she has children. 

And then she can do better than I did. :)

Puppy Love

I had a dog when Cheo and I got married, but we had to give her to a Rescue when we moved to Hawaii, soon after Zoe was born. We loved her and she was a great dog. I cried when we gave her away. But we (Cheo and I) decided after we gave Tirzah away that we never wanted another dog. They were too time-consuming and they cost too much money. We wanted to be able to travel without worrying about where we would put our dog and who would take care of it. We wanted to stay out all day without having to interrupt our plans to go home and take the dog out. We wanted the freedom that comes with NOT owning a dog.

Then in October of 2010 we started whole life unschooling and practicing mindful and peaceful parenting. We began partnering with Zoe to help her explore her world and began watching where her passions were leading. We were not only paying more attention to her desires, but we were also giving them much more weight. At that time we noted that everything she loved seemed to be about animals or relationships. And that hasn't changed at all. Just the other day she said, "Mom, when I grow up, will you help me rescue animals?" She was absolutely serious, and so was I when I responded, "Yes I will." 

Zoe has wanted a puppy for at least the past three years. And we have been stalling her for that whole time. Even in the midst of our parenting changes, we maintained our decision to NOT get a dog. After all, I still had allergies. We told Zoe that we couldn't get a dog, and that when she got older and had her own place, she could have a dog. What could she say to that? She loves me and doesn't want me to suffer. She conceded, even though her sadness was written all over her face. She checked every once in a while to see if we had changed our minds, but we were firm in our resolve.

Then we stayed with Cheo's parents and sister for a couple months. They have a dog (Koko) that in the past had always caused me allergic reactions. I would have to leave their house within about 2 hours or suffer severe wheezing. Anywhere Koko touched me, I would become itchy and sometimes break out in hives. 

For the first two weeks or so of staying with them, I had to take Benadryl continuously. In order to breathe freely, I also wore a surgical mask if I felt the wheezing get really bad. But by the time we got our own place about 2 months later, I wasn't using the surgical mask and only had to take Benadryl periodically. Hmmmm......maybe we COULD get a dog after all. Maybe.

But we still weren't convinced we should get a dog. We didn't want all the work and expense of having one. So Cheo and I decided to get Zoe a hamster. 

Reading this now I have to chuckle and shake my head. "She wanted a dog so we got her a hamster." That doesn't even make any sense. But that's what we parents do all too often. We see a desire in our child and mistakenly think it's ok to modify it so it's easier/more acceptable for us. Then we expect our child to be satisfied by our substitute for their desire. That doesn't ever really work. We may beat them down enough to get them to agree with us out loud, but "the heart wants what the heart wants." They won't forget that their parents refused to buy them that bicycle/skateboard/Barbie/drum set, and they won't forget the most likely lame reason we gave them for why they "just can't have it."

So we bought her a hamster and we sold her on the idea that it would be better than a dog, since it would take less day-to-day care and it was still fluffy. That's what she wanted, right? Something soft and warm that she could pet. Well, we THOUGHT we sold her on the idea. So we bought one - and she named it Fluffy. Yeah, it seems a bit funny now.

We took Fluffy home and got his cage ready. We were so excited. Then we found out that it takes about a month to familiarize your hamster and get them to crawl on your hand. We marked the calendar so we'd remember what new thing to do each week which would help the hamster to like us. And Zoe and I did it all. We worked together to MAKE Fluffy like us. We got to the end of week two and could already see changes in his behavior. He was starting to trust us, and Zoe was doing her best to follow the plan so eventually she would get to pet, touch and hold Fluffy. But it was taking a really long time. Especially for a 5yo.

At the end of week two with Fluffy, Zoe and I were watching a show about animals (I don't even remember what it was) and she broke down in tears, lamenting the fact that she wouldn't be able to get a puppy until she was an adult and that was gonna take SO LONG. It broke my heart.

I realized at that moment that the desire of her heart for the last 3 or so years has been to have her own puppy. It hadn't changed or grown weaker. In fact, it had grown stronger and stronger. So Cheo and I talked about it. We acknowledged that ALL of the reasons we had listed for NOT getting a dog were selfish, especially now that we knew I would probably develop a tolerance for it. Once we threw the selfish reasons out, we were left with nothing standing in the way of getting a dog. 

Enter Muffins. A sweet little chihuahua-dachshund mix who has completely won our hearts with her love, attentiveness and desire to please. She's a joy for all of us, but especially for Zoe. When we brought Muffins home and showed her to Zoe, she looked at the puppy with surprise and reservation. She thought maybe we were puppy-sitting. We asked her how long she thought we'd keep the puppy. She said, "Maybe a week?" Oh, my precious princess. 

I can't begin to describe the look of wonder and amazement on her face when we told her that the puppy was hers and that we could keep it forever. Every day since then, Zoe has hugged and thanked us for her puppy, and continues to exclaim, "I can't believe I have a real puppy!" 

It is so wonderful to find "that one thing" that your child wants more than anything else in the world, and then to be able to give it to her. When I see the love on her face as she's snuggling her puppy, I feel like I finally understand. There could never have been any substitute.

 

Zoe's 6th Birthday

Today my sweet little girl turns 6. We have been through a lot of changes in the past year, moving to Pennsylvania and living with my brother's family for a few months, moving back to Dallas, staying with Cheo's parents for a couple months, and then finally getting our own place. 

We started unschooling in the middle of all that, and learned a lot in the process. I unwittingly offended some people in my excitement about the discoveries we were making. Everything I was reading just seemed so right to me that I thought everyone would see the brilliance if I just told them about it. I mean, Cheo did, so wouldn't everybody? No. They wouldn't. I was wrong. Dead wrong. And I harmed some relationships in the process. And I grieved. Am still grieving. But we learned from that.

We learned that the choice we've made to embrace natural learning is not the right choice for everyone, and that's ok. We learned that few people in our lives will understand or agree with our approach, and that ultimately it doesn't matter if they do. We learned that as we change and grow, not all our family and friends will accept our choices, and may become offended or angry that we are not following the traditional approach to parenting and education. We learned to make the choices that are right for OUR family, regardless of others' opinions.

When I talk with Zoe, I am constantly amazed at the creative ideas she has that would never have occurred to me. Yesterday, it was, "Mom, can I use the nail polish to paint?" My response, "Hey, sure! That's a great idea!" She had a blast and painted an atom, complete with protons and electrons, although I'm pretty sure she doesn't know what they are yet. She will often combine different liquids in the house "to see what happens." We get to see some really cool things. My favorite right now is pouring a bit of milk into anything and watching it make cloud-like forms. But the best part is spending every day with this precious soul who thinks the whole world is exciting! I get to re-explore everything and see many things from a wholly new perspective.

Life is good. Our home has acquired a Chinese Dwarf Hamster (Fluffy) and a Chiweenie puppy (Mrs. Muffins - Muffins for short.) And peace. We are beginning to see some of the tangible differences of peacefully parenting and partnering with our beautiful daughter and are helping her to navigate this awesome world. I've found myself astonished and gladdened when the freedom we have allowed her has led her to a choice that I would never have considered an option. She is a very intelligent and kind young lady already at 6, and she sees the world from her own very unique perspective. I will continue to help nurture her wonderful "Zoe-ness" and watch her bloom.   

Yelling

Today, as Zoe and I were playing in her room, she looked at her pink heart pillow and said to me, "Sometimes my heart breaks when you yell at me and I yell back at you." 

Ouch. That hurt MY heart. I told her I'm sorry, and that it makes me really sad when we yell too. And I resolved, again, not to yell at her.

We moved on to the next part of our day, and I don't know if she even thought any more about it. She painted my nails and did my hair. We made chocolate milk and ate beef jerky. It was really fun - we called it "Girls' Night," since daddy was at work. 

I, on the other hand, can't stop thinking about it.

You see, in the past I considered yelling a necessary part of parenting. It's what I was used to, and I knew how to employ it and get the results I sought. Then I started reading about natural learning and began sharing that information with Cheo. We decided that we would no longer be following the traditional "spank and yell" parenting we'd grown up with and would instead partner with Zoe to make sure her needs are met, physically and emotionally. We strive to treat her with respect and courtesy; as we would wish to be treated, understanding that her desires, goals, and priorities may differ from ours but are no less important. The first few months were extremely difficult for all of us. Cheo and I had a lot of adjustments to make in our interactions with Zoe and with changes to our way of thinking. Yelling was no longer an option when we had a difference of opinion. After all, I wouldn't yell at an adult in order to get them to do what I wanted, so why would I treat my precious daughter that way?

My head totally gets it, but my emotions (and habits) are much harder to control. I've yelled at her since our decision, and every time my heart gets heavy and I feel awful. I see her little face fall and feel like I must be the worst parent in the world.

But today...today was bittersweet. I was so saddened that my actions hurt my sweet girl, but I also realized that she feels safe enough to tell me how she feels. That is a truly wonderful feeling. She knows that I love her and that I don't like when I yell. She knows that I want to do and be better. She knows that we're on the same team.

I wonder how many children have this same heartbroken feeling every day, maybe multiple times each day, but don't feel safe enough to tell their parents how they feel. How sad that they can't reach to their parents for comfort, because they're not sure if their parents are on their side. I remember that heart-sinking feeling from when I was young and my parents yelled at me. I felt worthless and unloved; that my feelings were unimportant and that they weren't willing to take the time to understand my perspective.

I refuse to continue to be a cause of those same feelings in my own daughter. Thankfully, my lapses are fewer and farther apart. I'm learning ways to get past my anger, to take a moment and breathe, to see what is REALLY causing us to be at odds. All of these strategies and more are helping me to become a partner to Zoe instead of an adversary. And life just keeps getting sweeter.


Zoe, I love you. And I will continue to strive every day to be your partner and resource to help you follow your passions and discover your destiny. You are already such an amazing person, and I am so proud to be your mama.
   

Freedom

I was offline for a while during the transition to our own apartment. March was a rather tough month for us. But we are now happily ensconced in a cute little place in North Dallas and exploring the re-found freedom of living by ourselves.

Our days consist of waking when we are rested, playing together, watching tv, googling anything we're curious about, reading, going to the park, visiting daddy at the restaurant, coming home, and going to sleep when we're tired. (Oh, and eating is in and around all of that.)

We're learning how to explore the world around us and squeeze the bright and shiny moments out of life. 

And at the end of the day, we all go to sleep happy. That's what's important to me.