Anger Management

Get angry - it can be about anything, big or small. Say something you'll regret. Stomp away. Try to take a deep breath. Stop mid-breath (cuz you're REALLY angry) and come back. Say something else you'll regret (or say the same thing you said earlier, but in a different way, in case she didn't get it the first time.) Stomp away again. Slam the door to emphasize your anger. Cry. Take many deep breaths. Stay in that room because you're afraid of what else you might say to harm your child. Think about what a horrible mother you are. Come back. Apologize, knowing that you have done one MORE thing to damage the relationship with your child.

This is what I did yesterday. It was awful. I don't EVER want to do it again.

But I probably will. 

After all, we just started peaceful parenting in October and I'm not very good at controlling my anger yet. It all makes sense in my head, but the examples I had and the behaviors I learned as I was growing up didn't prepare me to deal with my anger without hurting my child. And I've been modeling these behaviors to Zoe all her life, so she doesn't know a healthy way to deal with anger either.

I could make excuses. I just woke up. I'm PMS-y. I didn't get enough sleep. The puppy just grabbed something you left on the floor AFTER I reminded you that if you leave things on the floor, Muffins will probably eat them. 

But really, the reason or reasons I was angry don't matter. The problem is that because healthy anger management was not modeled to me and I have not yet learned how to process my anger and work through it instead of letting it explode all over those around me, I inflicted emotional damage on my precious daughter. Again.

The anger management that WAS modeled to me involved yelling, slamming things around to make loud noises, belittling the object of your anger, and feeding that internal feeling of "you hurt me (somehow that you may not even realize) so I'm gonna hurt you with my words until I can tell that you feel bad enough about it." Nearly 37 years of THAT has messed up the way I interact with my daughter AND my husband (who thankfully doesn't seem to have these problems.) Add to that the control issues I have which are related to the perfectionism I struggle with and you have a toxic combo.

Now, you might be saying, "Stop blaming your parents." But the reality is that I don't BLAME them. My dad came from a physically abusive alcoholic home and my mom has never felt like she was good enough. (I'm pretty sure it's because her mom compared her to her sisters that were good at certain specific things, and my mom was good at other things that were somehow less important to her mom.) My dad didn't hit us. And my mom has done all she can to make sure that we know she loves us. Btw, my mom is the most awesome homemaker I know, and she has a genuine love for people that is very rare these days. She's also really good at sports. :)

They did better than their parents did. 

So I don't blame them for my issues. But it's helpful to recognize where your mess comes from when you're trying to clean it up. I'm acknowledging that I am ill-prepared for peaceful parenting. But I have the "want to." I see the beauty that can come from respecting your child and supporting their passions. I see how treating them the way you would have wished to be treated when you were a child can make their lives sparkly and joyful. And I want that for Zoe. 

I have a lot of mess to clean up from my years of not being peaceful. That doesn't mean I can't do it. It doesn't mean that every day I can't get a little bit better at it. And eventually that "a little bit better" will lead to peace. I'm working on sooner rather than later.

It's so sad to see Zoe modeling the things in me that I loathe. It hurts so much to see her hurting others and watching the anger hurt HER. But Zoe and I are learning TOGETHER how to react in a healthy way to our anger. We've set up some strategies to give each other a "break" if either of us is starting to feel angry. We can declare it for ourselves or for the other person without judgment or animosity. 

And I've given Zoe the freedom to walk out of the room if she feels angry for any reason, so she can take some time until she feels like she can communicate without anger. Before I realized that was something she needed from me, I would follow her if she left the room and continue to talk at her. You know, because walking out of the room when we're in the middle of a conversation is rude and disrespectful. 

Bullshit.

She was recognizing that she couldn't continue the conversation without becoming angry and was taking steps to try to address and control that anger so she wouldn't explode. WHY would I NOT let her do that??? For a 6yo, that's a pretty amazing realization, and a great strategy for de-escalating the situation - as long as mom doesn't follow you and continue to say things that hurt you and make you angry.

Every time she or I feel out of control and "take a break" instead of spewing anger at each other, we are making our lives a little bit better. Every time we choose peace, we get closer to having a peaceful home. And I am so thankful that Cheo doesn't deal with most of these issues, because he can be the island of peace when Zoe and I are struggling.

A side effect of me really learning how to control my anger and sharing my struggle with Zoe is that she will probably have mastered these tools long before she has children. 

And then she can do better than I did. :)