Do I Have To? Really?

What a completely foreign idea it is to think that a child can learn what they need to know WITHOUT a curriculum, tests and grades. This is the crux of unschooling. It makes sense to Cheo and I, but it's a difficult concept to truly grasp. We have been told for so long that in order to be successful you have to go to school, then you have to go get some post-secondary education, then you have to get a job, then you have to buy a house, get married, have children....and the cycle begins again with your kids. But what if you DON'T have to do all those things to be successful? What would that mean?

That question alone is pretty amazing. 

In the few months that we have been unschooling and applying that question to learning, it has started to seep into other areas too. I realized a few days ago that I've been living my life by "have tos" for a very long time. Sometimes they're things that others have told me I have to do; often they're things that I feel (for one reason or another) I have to do. Each time another one comes up, I stop and look at it. I try to identify how true (or not) it is. And I've realized that most of the time, I DON'T have to. 

Here's a list of some of the things I've realized that I don't HAVE to do:

• make my bed
• go to bed at a "reasonable" time
  
• get up early
  
• go to church
  
• wash the dishes
• make a meat-and-potatoes dinner
• have a house that's ready for company at any moment 

I come from a family where all the above things are expected. They are "have tos." But I realized that all of these things are choices that I make every time I do them (if I do them). The amazing thing I've learned is that I am not worth more if I do them and less if I don't. I can choose to do them or not, and I am still me. I am still worthwhile.

I've spent a long time berating myself for not being the "ideal woman," comparing myself to so many other people and not loving myself for who I am. The greatness for me about understanding that I don't really HAVE to do anything is the freedom from guilt. I didn't realize how much of my life has been driven by guilt, driven by some vague idea of what the perfect wife/mother/daughter/etc should be. And not living up to those expectations. Being me should be enough.

And it is. I hope that through unschooling and the ways it's changing how we interact with our world, Zoe will grow up and not need this type of realization because she'll already know that she's wonderful just the way she is.