Bedtime

Last night I got frustrated and a little out of control with Zoe at bedtime. We had done bedtime prayers, brushed her teeth and I had tucked her into bed. She wasn't quite ready for me to leave, but I needed to use the restroom and *I* was tired, so I didn't have much patience for her to move all her animals around before I tucked her in. I told her she could finish arranging them after I left. Then I went into the bathroom, which shares a wall with her bedroom. 

Almost immediately, she started calling me. By the time I was able to get to her, she had probably called me at least 10 or 15 times. Not a huge deal normally, but we're currently sharing a home with my brother and his family, and trying not to disturb them too much. 

By the time I opened her door to ask her what she wanted, I was livid. Angry with her for continuing to call me over and over again, frustrated that Cheo hadn't heard her and responded (he thought I was with her, so wasn't listening for her), and then when she told me what it was that she needed (to go to the bathroom), I was even angrier because she could have easily walked to the bathroom door and knocked instead of yelling for me.

I angrily reminded her that she is 5 years old and very able to go to the bathroom on her own without my assistance. Then I expressed my irritation that she would call numerous times instead of waiting for me to respond or seeking me out.

She looked so forlorn. Less than. Sad to have disappointed me. Then she told me that when I talk to her like that she feels like I don't love her. My response? "Don't ever say that again. You know I love you." Angrily, of course. Just then, reality hit me.

I know that feeling. I've felt it before and hated it. She wasn't saying that to be mean; it's how she really felt. I hugged her and told her I was sorry for making her sad. I was sorry for making her feel like I don't love her. I assured her that I will always love her and I will try not to be angry any more. I failed. Again. What a horrible cycle this is.

Today I was reading some unschooling blogs and happened upon one that was talking about sleeping. One of the contributors shared that her 6yo daughter still likes to be cuddled at night and she realized that she wasn't giving her enough time. She was calling and coming out multiple times because she still needed more "mommy time." She said that once she changed her priorities and decided to spend as much time as her daughter needed at bedtime, the calling and coming out stopped. I realized that Zoe is doing the same thing and I am being selfish.

She needs more "mommy time." And it doesn't matter that she's at home all day with me and could snuggle me at any time of the day. She needs time with me at night, while she's falling asleep. And I'm gonna give it to her.