Freedom

I was offline for a while during the transition to our own apartment. March was a rather tough month for us. But we are now happily ensconced in a cute little place in North Dallas and exploring the re-found freedom of living by ourselves.

Our days consist of waking when we are rested, playing together, watching tv, googling anything we're curious about, reading, going to the park, visiting daddy at the restaurant, coming home, and going to sleep when we're tired. (Oh, and eating is in and around all of that.)

We're learning how to explore the world around us and squeeze the bright and shiny moments out of life. 

And at the end of the day, we all go to sleep happy. That's what's important to me.

Thank God February's Over!

Last month was especially hard for us, starting with the week of being cooped up in the house because of ice and snow, and ending with coughs we couldn't shake and an ear infection that sent us to the ER. 

March has already been much more exciting! Park outings and pizza with great friends, lunch with daddy at Saltgrass, taking 2 hours to explore Toys-R-Us for the very first time (and coming out with a cool book about elves who ride horses and a figurine to go with it!), Bounce U and Panda Express! And it's only March 5th!

Today we're going to the Garland Chorale's presentation of "Sing a Song of Sixpence" and tomorrow is the Log Cabin Village in Fort Worth with daddy. 

Wednesday Z and I are heading to Joshua, Texas to look into volunteering at Passion Horse Rescue. (Zoe told me she wants to work there every day; I don't know if we can make that happen, but I'm open to a couple times a week.)

So, it seems February was a month of resting and recuperating. We obviously needed it. 

March will be full of activity. Here we goooooooooo!

Do I Have To? Really?

What a completely foreign idea it is to think that a child can learn what they need to know WITHOUT a curriculum, tests and grades. This is the crux of unschooling. It makes sense to Cheo and I, but it's a difficult concept to truly grasp. We have been told for so long that in order to be successful you have to go to school, then you have to go get some post-secondary education, then you have to get a job, then you have to buy a house, get married, have children....and the cycle begins again with your kids. But what if you DON'T have to do all those things to be successful? What would that mean?

That question alone is pretty amazing. 

In the few months that we have been unschooling and applying that question to learning, it has started to seep into other areas too. I realized a few days ago that I've been living my life by "have tos" for a very long time. Sometimes they're things that others have told me I have to do; often they're things that I feel (for one reason or another) I have to do. Each time another one comes up, I stop and look at it. I try to identify how true (or not) it is. And I've realized that most of the time, I DON'T have to. 

Here's a list of some of the things I've realized that I don't HAVE to do:

• make my bed
• go to bed at a "reasonable" time
  
• get up early
  
• go to church
  
• wash the dishes
• make a meat-and-potatoes dinner
• have a house that's ready for company at any moment 

I come from a family where all the above things are expected. They are "have tos." But I realized that all of these things are choices that I make every time I do them (if I do them). The amazing thing I've learned is that I am not worth more if I do them and less if I don't. I can choose to do them or not, and I am still me. I am still worthwhile.

I've spent a long time berating myself for not being the "ideal woman," comparing myself to so many other people and not loving myself for who I am. The greatness for me about understanding that I don't really HAVE to do anything is the freedom from guilt. I didn't realize how much of my life has been driven by guilt, driven by some vague idea of what the perfect wife/mother/daughter/etc should be. And not living up to those expectations. Being me should be enough.

And it is. I hope that through unschooling and the ways it's changing how we interact with our world, Zoe will grow up and not need this type of realization because she'll already know that she's wonderful just the way she is.

Maybe I'm not a radical unschooler? Maybe I was doing it wrong.

I've just finished reading The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff. John Holt recommended this book at the end of his book, Teach Your Own. Liedloff's premise is that most people in Western Civilization either choose "child-centered" or "parent-centered" styles, both of which are detrimental to ourselves and our children. But what we should really be doing is living our normal lives, doing our everyday things, and bringing our children along with us so they can experience life and see how to live.

It appears that many parents of toddlers, in their anxiety to be neither negligent nor disrespectful, have gone overboard in what may seem to be the other direction.

~Jean Liedloff 

Radical unschooling really resonates with me, particularly showing respect to your children, living by principles rather than rules, and not using punishment to coerce them into doing what you want them to do. I want Zoe to be her own person.

The problem has been that Cheo and I don't know exactly how to put these ideals into practice, both coming from more traditional parenting backgrounds. So we went from traditional parenting to child-centered living. Neither one was having the desired effects. Traditional parenting caused resentment and anger, in both parents and child. Child-centered living did the same, while also causing our child to push her limits, trying to ascertain where they ended and when we would take control again. 

According to Liedloff, a child instinctively knows that they need guidance from adults and older children to learn how to find their way in the world.  When they have too many choices, or too many decisions to make (particularly when they're not sure what the correct choice is) they are overwhelmed and feel insecure.

Again, this idea resonated with me, since we've been having difficulties with Zoe lately and have not really been sure what to do about it. One of the big keys in Liedloff's suggestions is that you tell your child what is expected of him or her, then you EXPECT them to do it. Most of the time they will. But if they don't, you don't show any anger. (This has ALWAYS been my issue. I am quick to anger, but trying DESPERATELY to change.) 

Today, I tried Liedloff's approach. I told Zoe to take a blanket to another room. She said she didn't want to. So I calmly picked it up and turned around to do it myself. She stopped me and said she would do it. I was astonished. 

Children WANT to help and be productive. They need models and mentors so they can see what is acceptable and expected behavior in their social situations. 

We're still radically unschooling, I think. Learning is still everywhere and we're enjoying exploring the world. We're also gonna try this Continuum Concept stuff and see how it works. So far, so good. :)

Respect and EXPECT.

It's PBS Day!

Yesterday Zoe told me she wants to be a veterinarian, because she wants to rescue and take care of animals. Today she asked to watch Nature and Nova, and made a list of the ones she wants to watch. They include, but are not limited to: "Moment of Impact: Jungle," "Kings of Camouflage" (about cuttlefish), one about spiders, hummingbirds, and Stonehenge. She loves to watch the parts where the scientists are testing things to find out more about the animals. And she's interested in the Stonehenge program because of a Celtic store we happened to walk past in Bethlehem, PA that had framed their door with an "arch." 

She also told me that a physicist is a scientist that studies the universe. When I asked where she heard this? Animaniacs. Beautiful.

She asked if she could read to me last night. She read some of Fox in Socks to me. Then she was tired and wanted me to read the rest. Lately, she's been asking me to point at the words as I'm reading them. She also requests subtitles sometimes when we're watching movies. And sometimes she doesn't want to follow along in the book or with the movie. She just wants to sit and enjoy the story. 

I don't push her anymore. I used to, and I see some performance anxiety left over from that. If she feels like she's struggling, sometimes she stops or doesn't want help. I'm hoping that as I learn to be less judgmental, she'll feel less pressure to be perfect and will understand that it's ok to make mistakes. That's something I never learned as a child, so I was always afraid to try things that I wasn't SURE I could do well. How sad. I think of all the opportunities I missed because of my fear of failure and of the unknown. I don't want Zoe to go through that.

Exploring life with her is so fun and interesting. I feel blessed to share learning with her and to see life again through fresh eyes. Children love to learn about their world, especially when they can share it with the people they love.

Starting Over

If you knew you only had a year more with that child, what would you expose him to? Where would you go? What would you eat? What would you watch? What would you do? 

If you had only ONE year—and then it was all over, what would you do? Four seasons. Twelve months. 365 days. 

Do that THIS year. And the next. 

That's how unschooling works. By living life as if it were an adventure. As if you only had a limited amount of time with that child. Because that's the way it IS. 

~Kelly Lovejoy

We've made the move back to Texas and I'm unpacking all our stuff. I've been feeling unsure of how to do unschooling, afraid I'll do it wrong. Then I read the above quote from Kelly and I feel like it's simple. Life truly IS an adventure, and as long as I keep that in mind, we're headed down the right path. 

I've found some unschooling groups in my area, and am hoping to be able to get together with some unschooling families soon. I think it will be helpful to see how it's working for others and get some ideas of things that are available for us to explore in the Dallas area. I know there's a lot for us to do....now we just need to get started!

It's Working! (Albeit Slowly.)

We've had to back off a little and start over a little less radically. I realized that we were trying to do too much, too fast. A few changes at a time is plenty for all of us to deal with, and once we feel comfortable with those, we'll tackle something else. As our days become more and more peaceful, I'm hoping that our lives will naturally flow more into mindful parenting and respecting each other's interests and choices.  

We moved Zoe into our room about a week ago. Her sleep schedule has changed, but she really enjoys spending time with mama and daddy before falling asleep. That means she stays up a little later at night, and she gets up a little later in the morning. Not a big deal, since she rarely has to be awake at any specific time. It's so nice to see her fall asleep smiling, instead of sad because she's been left alone in her room (even if she's not sleepy), just because it's "time" to go to bed.

Unschooling is not easy, but it's really worth it. With the exception of my occasional mis-steps (reverting back to the old ways of thinking and doing things), Zoe and I have really peaceful days. I'm learning to respect her as a person, trying to understand her desires and choices, and as often as possible to be a partner in helping her to achieve her goals, no matter how big or little they are. 

Today she asked for hot chocolate in bed. I put it in my coffee thermos so she could have it and I didn't have to worry so much about it spilling. Before unschooling, I would have just said, "No." 

Now it's, "Why not?" :)

I've learned that she likes to know the explanations for things. She likes things that make sense. If we can't do or have something that she'd really like, I explain to her why it's not possible and we try to find a way to make it happen in the near future, if we can. I'm also learning that when I am kind and respect her, she is kind and respectful in return. I can already see some of the benefits of our change in mindset, and I'm excited to see where it will take us as we progress along this journey.