Sometimes I struggle with rage. It's something that I've been praying about and asking for help with for a while now. I have some ideas about where it comes from - I come from a family of yellers and ragers. Full of love, but out of control. They've gotten a lot better over the years, and my parents are better than their parents were. I'm hoping I can continue that trend.
I started praying for patience when my daughter was born. I hate being yelled at and didn't want her to ever have to feel that awful drop in the pit of her stomach that leads to thoughts of "I'm not good enough." I think I mostly keep things under control but sometimes I've failed. I've yelled at her, I've grabbed her by the arms, I've spanked her, I've hurt her feelings. I'm not proud of any of those things. I'm working on it - working on me. We don't spank anymore, and that's a good start. I'm trying not to ever yell at her again. That's sometimes difficult - it's been modeled to me by my parents and that makes it harder to overcome - but I'm getting better.
Today I had an opportunity to be angry but I stopped. I hugged her instead. I took some deep breaths and she asked me why I was doing that. I told her it was because I was angry and didn't want to be. I talked to her about how when we're angry it helps sometimes to take some deep breaths until you calm down. I calmed down. And then I had a great talk with her about what she did and how she should handle the same kind of situation next time. It felt really good.
I also realized that when I get angry with her it's mostly about control. I want her to act a certain way and, for whatever reason, she doesn't do what I wanted her to do. And that makes me mad because I need/want her to be perfect. I just realized that. I'm letting it go. She doesn't have to be perfect or do things the way I want her to do them. She just has to be.
The rage issues are slowly going away as I realize that I don't have to be in control and am learning how to respect my precious baby girl. Things are getting better every day. :)
Control. When you put it that way, it just clicks. We are supposed to be raising competent, responsible adults, but we don't allow them to make any decisions on their own. We TELL them how to act, what to think, believe, etc. Why? Are we such bad examples that we don't want them to be like us? If we are, then we need to change. "Be the change in the world that you want to see." ~ Ghandi
ReplyDeleteAlmost everything we say to Liam and Deacon when we want/need them to do something is "Here are your choices...." Years ago I worked at a gruop home (with Gina) and we did Love & Logic training which is all about giving the control to the child and giving them choices (that you can live with). We are far from perfect at it, but it is something we always try to keep in mind when we interact with them. They only have as much control as we give them, and how help-less it would feel to have your whole life dictated to you!
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