We went to Historic Bethlehem (Pennsylvania) yesterday and explored the amazingness of smithies, tanneries, mills and a COLLEGE that were built when this great country was still part of the British Empire. Bethlehem was originally a Moravian settlement and was visited by George Washington, John Adams, John Hancock, and Samuel Adams.
On our way home Zoe fell asleep, so Cheo and I started talking about some of the things that happened through the course of our day. We had some really great interactions with Zoe and some that were not as wonderful as we would have liked. Coming from a traditional authoritarian parenting style (where you tell your child how to act) makes transitioning into the unschooling style (where you gently guide your child) a tremendously difficult task. Especially when they are choosing to do things you wish they wouldn't. In public. In front of an old friend you haven't seen in 15 years who is a traditional parent.
In fairness, what Zoe was doing wasn't really a big deal. What made an impression on me was the "working through" that I had to do in order to not get angry with her. We had been walking around since about 11:30am with a short stop for lunch. It was about 1:30pm and we stopped back into the Historic Center to get a stick candy for Zoe. My friend just happened to be working there that day, so we took a few minutes to catch up on each other's lives. Right at that moment, Zoe decided to lie down on the floor. In the store. I asked her to please get up, and her response was, "My legs hurt." Thankfully, Cheo was there and I asked him to please talk with her so I could continue to chat. He suggested that she sit on the bench at the front of the store to rest her legs. She thought that was a wonderful idea. :)
As I said, the situation wasn't a big deal. However, MY internal response was pretty crazy. What she was doing was UNACCEPTABLE. People don't just lie down on the floor of a store. But she's 5. She obviously hasn't figured out yet when and where it's socially appropriate to lie down in public. Nor does she care. And that's ok.
So I was thinking about how to explain to your child about "socially appropriate" behavior while still showing them respect and not trying to control them. I wondered how I would explain the same type of thing to an adult who was visiting from another country where the social norms are different. I would probably tell them what behavior is socially acceptable and why, being sure not to talk down to them or to make them feel inferior. Then I would step back and let them choose whether or not they want to conform to the "socially appropriate" behavior, while making myself available to answer any questions they may have.
I then asked myself, "Why not do this same thing with my child? Why not treat my child with the respect that I would show to any other person?"
So I've decided that I'll do it. I will respect her and treat her like a person, one who has a brilliant mind and tender feelings. She's my little foreigner, new to this world and needing some love and guidance.
Deacon likes to lay down and/or sit on the floor in odd places (stores, etc). I always tell him that it's dirty and he may get stepped on, but I don't move him (unless he is in danger or going to endanger someone else). They are so funny when they have no idea that it's "un-normal" :)
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