It's Working! (Albeit Slowly.)

We've had to back off a little and start over a little less radically. I realized that we were trying to do too much, too fast. A few changes at a time is plenty for all of us to deal with, and once we feel comfortable with those, we'll tackle something else. As our days become more and more peaceful, I'm hoping that our lives will naturally flow more into mindful parenting and respecting each other's interests and choices.  

We moved Zoe into our room about a week ago. Her sleep schedule has changed, but she really enjoys spending time with mama and daddy before falling asleep. That means she stays up a little later at night, and she gets up a little later in the morning. Not a big deal, since she rarely has to be awake at any specific time. It's so nice to see her fall asleep smiling, instead of sad because she's been left alone in her room (even if she's not sleepy), just because it's "time" to go to bed.

Unschooling is not easy, but it's really worth it. With the exception of my occasional mis-steps (reverting back to the old ways of thinking and doing things), Zoe and I have really peaceful days. I'm learning to respect her as a person, trying to understand her desires and choices, and as often as possible to be a partner in helping her to achieve her goals, no matter how big or little they are. 

Today she asked for hot chocolate in bed. I put it in my coffee thermos so she could have it and I didn't have to worry so much about it spilling. Before unschooling, I would have just said, "No." 

Now it's, "Why not?" :)

I've learned that she likes to know the explanations for things. She likes things that make sense. If we can't do or have something that she'd really like, I explain to her why it's not possible and we try to find a way to make it happen in the near future, if we can. I'm also learning that when I am kind and respect her, she is kind and respectful in return. I can already see some of the benefits of our change in mindset, and I'm excited to see where it will take us as we progress along this journey.

Update on Bedtime

Last night I snuggled with Zoe for about half an hour. Then I told her I was gonna leave even though I could tell she wasn't happy about it, because I wanted to spend a little time with Cheo before he had to go to bed. (He has to get up at about 4:30am for work.) 

About 2 minutes later she came into our room to give me something. I realized I was still being selfish. She still needed me. I went back into her room and snuggled her and chatted. After about 15 minutes she asked me to sing her a lullaby. Then she closed her eyes and said "Good night, mama." I took that as my cue, and when I left her room, she was smiling. She didn't call at all.

Bedtime

Last night I got frustrated and a little out of control with Zoe at bedtime. We had done bedtime prayers, brushed her teeth and I had tucked her into bed. She wasn't quite ready for me to leave, but I needed to use the restroom and *I* was tired, so I didn't have much patience for her to move all her animals around before I tucked her in. I told her she could finish arranging them after I left. Then I went into the bathroom, which shares a wall with her bedroom. 

Almost immediately, she started calling me. By the time I was able to get to her, she had probably called me at least 10 or 15 times. Not a huge deal normally, but we're currently sharing a home with my brother and his family, and trying not to disturb them too much. 

By the time I opened her door to ask her what she wanted, I was livid. Angry with her for continuing to call me over and over again, frustrated that Cheo hadn't heard her and responded (he thought I was with her, so wasn't listening for her), and then when she told me what it was that she needed (to go to the bathroom), I was even angrier because she could have easily walked to the bathroom door and knocked instead of yelling for me.

I angrily reminded her that she is 5 years old and very able to go to the bathroom on her own without my assistance. Then I expressed my irritation that she would call numerous times instead of waiting for me to respond or seeking me out.

She looked so forlorn. Less than. Sad to have disappointed me. Then she told me that when I talk to her like that she feels like I don't love her. My response? "Don't ever say that again. You know I love you." Angrily, of course. Just then, reality hit me.

I know that feeling. I've felt it before and hated it. She wasn't saying that to be mean; it's how she really felt. I hugged her and told her I was sorry for making her sad. I was sorry for making her feel like I don't love her. I assured her that I will always love her and I will try not to be angry any more. I failed. Again. What a horrible cycle this is.

Today I was reading some unschooling blogs and happened upon one that was talking about sleeping. One of the contributors shared that her 6yo daughter still likes to be cuddled at night and she realized that she wasn't giving her enough time. She was calling and coming out multiple times because she still needed more "mommy time." She said that once she changed her priorities and decided to spend as much time as her daughter needed at bedtime, the calling and coming out stopped. I realized that Zoe is doing the same thing and I am being selfish.

She needs more "mommy time." And it doesn't matter that she's at home all day with me and could snuggle me at any time of the day. She needs time with me at night, while she's falling asleep. And I'm gonna give it to her.   

Spending Time

If I had my child to raise all over again,
I'd build self-esteem first, and the house later.
I'd finger-paint more, and point the finger less.
I would do less correcting and more connecting.
I'd take my eyes off my watch, and watch with my eyes.
I'd take more hikes and fly more kites.
I'd stop playing serious, and seriously play.
I would run through more fields and gaze at more stars.
I'd do more hugging and less tugging.
~Diane Loomans, from "If I Had My Child To Raise Over Again"

Putting Zoe first. That's my focus. Thankfully, Cheo and I agree that the most important thing we can do is fill her life with love, laughter, joy and amazing experiences. Every day should be exciting, and can be.

The past few days we've painted ornaments, made cards, cleaned the bathroom, drawn pictures, done the laundry, written addresses, told stories and had snuggle time. We also watched movies, YouTube (she wanted to know about germs) and tv shows, and listened to music. Her favorite movies right now are Despicable Me (2010) and The Three Caballeros (1944).

She thinks cleaning and doing the laundry are fun - most of the time. :) We've learned about lots of things during our play time: sorting, mold, germs, hygiene, how to address envelopes, how to make a card.....I can't even begin to list everything. She asks a LOT of questions, and if I don't know the answer, we find it together. She says, "Why don't you type it in Google?" Totally. Awesome.

Zoe said that she wants to move back to Texas today. And she meant move TODAY, so I compromised and instead of moving we made a "Countdown to Texas" poster. It looks like the Texas flag, but it has numbers all over it. It starts with 89 and counts down to 1. The 1 is in the star. She was pretty bummed when she saw all the numbers. It's hard to explain to her the concept of 3 months. But she's seeing the days represented by numbers, and I think she's getting it. So we'll start counting down tomorrow. And we'll keep on playing!

Listening to God and Belonging

We've decided to move back to Texas. We've been living in Northeastern Pennsylvania with my brother and his family since early August of this year. It's been an interesting four months. But we feel like it's time to go home.

Cheo says he feels like living here has helped him to understand me better, since this is where I lived during high school. We've enjoyed spending time with my family. But we don't belong here, and I think we all underestimated how difficult it would be for two families to live in the same house.

I'm sure it didn't help that our parenting style drastically changed about a month ago. Up 'til then we followed a very traditional parenting style. 

Then I started reading about unschooling. 

We went from spanking and time-outs (which is how I grew up and the style my brother's family uses) to a more relaxed style which focuses on principles rather than rules. This is hard enough to reconcile with if you're the one making the changes, but for someone who doesn't agree with or understand unschooling it's much more difficult. 

I can feel the strain on our relationships and I know it's primarily because of our change in parenting style. It's a pretty big difference in philosophies. I'm sad, though. I really like my brother and sister-in-law, and their 3 boys. I've enjoyed getting to know them all.

But I think it will be better for everyone if we leave. I hope it will. I hope we don't lose the closeness that we've always had. So I started packing today. And praying that everything will work out according to God's will.

Changing Our Mindset

We went to Historic Bethlehem (Pennsylvania) yesterday and explored the amazingness of smithies, tanneries, mills and a COLLEGE that were built when this great country was still part of the British Empire. Bethlehem was originally a Moravian settlement and was visited by George Washington, John Adams, John Hancock, and Samuel Adams. 

On our way home Zoe fell asleep, so Cheo and I started talking about some of the things that happened through the course of our day. We had some really great interactions with Zoe and some that were not as wonderful as we would have liked. Coming from a traditional authoritarian parenting style (where you tell your child how to act) makes transitioning into the unschooling style (where you gently guide your child) a tremendously difficult task. Especially when they are choosing to do things you wish they wouldn't. In public. In front of an old friend you haven't seen in 15 years who is a traditional parent.

In fairness, what Zoe was doing wasn't really a big deal. What made an impression on me was the "working through" that I had to do in order to not get angry with her. We had been walking around since about 11:30am with a short stop for lunch. It was about 1:30pm and we stopped back into the Historic Center to get a stick candy for Zoe. My friend just happened to be working there that day, so we took a few minutes to catch up on each other's lives. Right at that moment, Zoe decided to lie down on the floor. In the store. I asked her to please get up, and her response was, "My legs hurt." Thankfully, Cheo was there and I asked him to please talk with her so I could continue to chat. He suggested that she sit on the bench at the front of the store to rest her legs. She thought that was a wonderful idea. :)

As I said, the situation wasn't a big deal. However, MY internal response was pretty crazy. What she was doing was UNACCEPTABLE. People don't just lie down on the floor of a store. But she's 5. She obviously hasn't figured out yet when and where it's socially appropriate to lie down in public. Nor does she care. And that's ok. 

So I was thinking about how to explain to your child about "socially appropriate" behavior while still showing them respect and not trying to control them. I wondered how I would explain the same type of thing to an adult who was visiting from another country where the social norms are different. I would probably tell them what behavior is socially acceptable and why, being sure not to talk down to them or to make them feel inferior. Then I would step back and let them choose whether or not they want to conform to the "socially appropriate" behavior, while making myself available to answer any questions they may have. 

I then asked myself, "Why not do this same thing with my child? Why not treat my child with the respect that I would show to any other person?" 

So I've decided that I'll do it. I will respect her and treat her like a person, one who has a brilliant mind and tender feelings. She's my little foreigner, new to this world and needing some love and guidance.

Realizations

When I started researching Unschooling, I thought that it seemed like a natural and wonderful way to interact with my child and teach her about the world. What I didn't know then and have since discovered is that natural and wonderful does NOT mean easy. 

This has got to be one of the most difficult things I have ever attempted in my life - mostly because it means that a lot of things about ME need to change. The journey started with a change in my thinking. The way I look at the world and my daughter has always been colored by the way I was raised - for good or bad. As I've said before, my childhood was full of love. That is one of the best things that can happen for a child. I have always known without a doubt that my parents loved me. But there were very clear expectations of how I was to act and think. Failure to act and think in the accepted manner was met with punishment in the younger years or disgust and disappointment as I got older and punishment was no longer an option. Many people would look at me and say, "Well, you turned out okay. It couldn't have been that bad." But they can't see the places inside me where the wounds are still open and the scars are still visible. And they can't see how each day I struggle with them.

A change in thinking (a REAL LASTING change) takes a long time. So right now I'm daily working on how my change in thinking translates into a change in actions. I'm trying to focus on each interaction with Zoe and to make it a loving one, without judging her or being disappointed if she makes a choice I wouldn't have made. I'm not always successful, but it's better than it would have been a month, a week, a day ago. 

I'm a perfectionist. I know - that's not good. It's a result of the expectations of my childhood. Mistakes weren't acceptable. Yelling or spanking or devastating disapproval was the result. And because of that this journey is especially hard for me. I tend to beat myself up if I don't get things right the first or second time. I feel like a failure most of the time. (I'm actually crying right now because it brings up so much pain in me to admit it. It's usually something I hide pretty deeply inside myself.) I don't REALLY think that I'll ever be good enough - for my parents, my husband (though he tells me all the time that I'm amazing), or my daughter. I need to heal. To allow myself to make mistakes. For it to be ok. 

Maybe through the process of learning how to let Zoe make mistakes I will somehow understand that I don't have to be perfect either. Even if I don't get that benefit from it, I will at least know that I've done all I can to help her understand that she is wonderful just the way she is.  

Understanding Anger

I've been working on controlling my anger, particularly in response to Zoe. I still get angry, but I've discovered that I can control my reactions much better now that I am taking the time to be aware of it.

Since anger is something I'm focusing on right now, I'm noticing where it crops up in lots of areas of my life. For instance, I tried to renew a library book last night. It was due yesterday, and I had to wait until Cheo got home to renew it online since it was on his library card. I assumed that as long as I did it before midnight it would be fine, but when I logged in at 8:45pm it showed that my book was overdue and wouldn't let me renew it. I got angry. Ridiculous, I know, but that was my first response. How stupid of them to have the system set up to show your book overdue before midnight! And not even allow you to renew it! Now I (or Cheo) would have to take the book back to the library and we might even get charged for it! I was indignant. 

These were the thoughts that passed through my head, and I even voiced them to those who were nearby to listen. Then I stopped. I thought for a minute about how silly I sounded. I was angry at the library's system. Really? And I was mad cuz I might have to pay 35 cents. Seriously? Taking a step back and addressing why I was angry put it in perspective and made a HUGE difference in my reaction. After I re-assessed the situation, I didn't care if their system was flawed or if we would get charged for the book that wasn't ACTUALLY overdue. It just wasn't a big deal.

How many times in a day do I do this same thing to my precious daughter? How ridiculous do I sound to her? How confused is she by my responses that seem way overblown for what actually happened? I'm working on changing all this. I really am. I can tell she already sees a difference in my outward responses. I still have to sometimes often take a moment and breathe before opening my mouth to speak. Inwardly, I struggle with irrational emotional responses to her when she's not acting the way I want her to, but I'm recognizing it and logically working through it. I have almost 37 years of conditioning to overcome.

I think I'm doing pretty well. :)

Parenting in God's Image

Cheo and I have been talking a lot about parenting lately, since we're in the process of changing our parenting style. A lot of the concepts of unschooling seem very foreign to us, but as we talk them through, most of them are really logical. This morning we were talking about the differences between our previous traditional parenting method and the unschooling way of thinking. It seems that the biggest difference is that in unschooling you are trying to calmly and lovingly guide your child by giving them choices, whereas in traditional parenting you're trying to get your child to do the "right" thing by making that the only option. The consequence of not "choosing" it is punishment. 

No wonder so many people have such a poor concept of God. They see Him as a controlling parent who forces them to do things they don't want to do and is waiting for them to make a mistake so He can punish them. Sound familiar? Then your parents probably followed the traditional parenting style.  

During our conversation, Cheo suggested that God's way of parenting actually lines up closely with the unschooling philosophy. He presents us with many choices, suggests which He feels are the best and then allows us to make our choice. There are natural consequences for "poor" choices, but He doesn't yell or bully us into making the "right" choice. 

I believe that God's laws were put there to help us understand which choices would harm us physically, spiritually and emotionally. I believe He is a loving parent Who doesn't get angry when we make the wrong choices, but is sad that we have chosen to harm ourselves. Think of a parent telling a child not to touch the stove so she won't burn herself. If she touched the stove, we would be very sad that she made a choice that caused her harm, but we wouldn't be angry with her or throw her out of our family because she made that choice. We would cover her with love, and care for her until the hurt had healed. And she would learn that touching the stove is harmful to her and would probably never do it again. (But if she did, our response should not be any different than the first time it happened. Not everyone learns from their first experience with pain.)

Our goal is to parent as God has demonstrated to us. He guides us, allows us to make our own choices and experience the natural consequences of those choices, and He continues to shower us with love no matter what choices we make. What a great Parent! :)

Mentoring and Makeup

If you're a parent, you're a mentor, an example to your children. I woke up thinking about that this morning. Today it meant that Zoe wanted to wear makeup. So I let her. She had a spectacular time for about an hour or so making herself up and then she turned her talent on me. We had a lot of fun and it will probably be a long-lasting memory for her. I showed her what each of the brushes were for and how to apply eyeshadow and blush. I taught her the difference between lip liner, lipstick and lip gloss. I got some great pictures, but they're on another computer so I'll have to put them up later.

My daughter is going to do what she sees my husband and I doing - good, bad or indifferent. Usually that's a good thing. But that brought me to another thought. If you don't like the things your child is doing, the first thing you should do is look at your own behavior. 

They're probably mimicking you.

Anger

Sometimes I struggle with rage. It's something that I've been praying about and asking for help with for a while now. I have some ideas about where it comes from - I come from a family of yellers and ragers. Full of love, but out of control. They've gotten a lot better over the years, and my parents are better than their parents were. I'm hoping I can continue that trend.

I started praying for patience when my daughter was born. I hate being yelled at and didn't want her to ever have to feel that awful drop in the pit of her stomach that leads to thoughts of "I'm not good enough." I think I mostly keep things under control but sometimes I've failed. I've yelled at her, I've grabbed her by the arms, I've spanked her, I've hurt her feelings. I'm not proud of any of those things. I'm working on it - working on me. We don't spank anymore, and that's a good start. I'm trying not to ever yell at her again. That's sometimes difficult - it's been modeled to me by my parents and that makes it harder to overcome - but I'm getting better.

Today I had an opportunity to be angry but I stopped. I hugged her instead. I took some deep breaths and she asked me why I was doing that. I told her it was because I was angry and didn't want to be. I talked to her about how when we're angry it helps sometimes to take some deep breaths until you calm down. I calmed down. And then I had a great talk with her about what she did and how she should handle the same kind of situation next time. It felt really good.

I also realized that when I get angry with her it's mostly about control. I want her to act a certain way and, for whatever reason, she doesn't do what I wanted her to do. And that makes me mad because I need/want her to be perfect. I just realized that. I'm letting it go. She doesn't have to be perfect or do things the way I want her to do them. She just has to be.

The rage issues are slowly going away as I realize that I don't have to be in control and am learning how to respect my precious baby girl. Things are getting better every day. :)

On Food and Freedom

Part of the radical unschooling philosophy is that if you allow your children freedom, they will choose the things that they truly need. This is true of everything including, but not limited to, tv, video games, movies, food, and sleep. As we are currently sharing a home with my brother, his wife and their 3 boys (actually, they are sharing their home with us - thank you!), we have decided to start REALLY slowly with the things that will not directly affect/interrupt their life. These are mostly: movies and food. Movies is actually pretty easy, since Cheo and I both love them and are excited about sharing lots with Zoe. We've never really limited her movie watching anyway and she can watch YouTube videos, Nick Jr., PBS, NOVA, Nature - there's so much great stuff available online!

Food, on the other hand, is a very different story. What happens when a 5yo who has been limited to 1 or 2 pieces of candy a day is allowed to eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants? You guessed it! For the first few days she asked for candy a couple times a day. Once she realized that we were saying yes EVERY TIME she asked, she started asking more often. Well, we realized that she didn't have many options for snacks when she was with us up in the attic (where the candy is kept). So yesterday we got some other snacks that we could keep near the candy. Guess what happened. She still asked for candy. But interspersed were requests for peanuts and crackers. I admit that I broke at one point today and posted a cry for help on a Radical Unschooling board because I freaked out at the amount of candy she had eaten this week. But while I was waiting for a reply, I reviewed what she had eaten today and realized that it was all pretty balanced, even if it WAS a bit more candy than I would have chosen for her.

The reply to my post came from Sandra Dodd this evening (I couldn't believe SHE was the one who responded - she's my favorite source for unschooling info), and because of her words of wisdom I realized that I was teaching Zoe the poor eating habits I've had all my life (that sweets are special treats and you rarely get to eat them - we mostly only got them on special occasions or when we were visiting relatives - so they were rare and we would hoard and gorge). So if I want her to view all foods in a healthy way, I need to make a change in the way I present food to her. 

If candy and sweets are something you can have whenever you want them, they're no longer rare or special, and you don't feel the need to gorge yourself on them whenever they're available. They are just food. If they're presented like all other food they're no big deal.

So we're gonna ride this out and watch as Zoe continues to make choices. Her own choices. And I'm convinced that she will be healthier because we let her have candy whenever she wants it. I know it sounds weird, but I think it'll work.

The Beginning of Unschooling

After much research and lurking on unschooling boards, Cheo and I have decided that we will unschool Zoe. Wikipedia defines unschooling as "a range of educational philosophies and practices centered on allowing children to learn through their natural life experiences, including child directed play, game play, household responsibilities, work experience, and social interaction, rather than through a more traditional school curriculum. Unschooling encourages exploration of activities led by the children themselves, facilitated by the adults."

Zoe is 5yo and is as excited about learning as anyone I know. As we begin our unschooling adventure, I cannot help but think that it will be a wonderful, amazing journey in which Cheo and I will learn as much as our dear daughter.

It's been about 2 weeks since we started, and she has already surprised me by walking around counting by 5's and stating matter-of-factly that 7 days is a week. I'm sure it helps that Cheo and I have a great love of learning which probably has rubbed off on Zoe. We believe life is an adventure to be enjoyed with the people you love, and we try to fill each day with love and happy memories. It will be interesting to look back on this blog in a few years and see how far we've gone and what amazing things have filled our life.