It's Working! (Albeit Slowly.)

We've had to back off a little and start over a little less radically. I realized that we were trying to do too much, too fast. A few changes at a time is plenty for all of us to deal with, and once we feel comfortable with those, we'll tackle something else. As our days become more and more peaceful, I'm hoping that our lives will naturally flow more into mindful parenting and respecting each other's interests and choices.  

We moved Zoe into our room about a week ago. Her sleep schedule has changed, but she really enjoys spending time with mama and daddy before falling asleep. That means she stays up a little later at night, and she gets up a little later in the morning. Not a big deal, since she rarely has to be awake at any specific time. It's so nice to see her fall asleep smiling, instead of sad because she's been left alone in her room (even if she's not sleepy), just because it's "time" to go to bed.

Unschooling is not easy, but it's really worth it. With the exception of my occasional mis-steps (reverting back to the old ways of thinking and doing things), Zoe and I have really peaceful days. I'm learning to respect her as a person, trying to understand her desires and choices, and as often as possible to be a partner in helping her to achieve her goals, no matter how big or little they are. 

Today she asked for hot chocolate in bed. I put it in my coffee thermos so she could have it and I didn't have to worry so much about it spilling. Before unschooling, I would have just said, "No." 

Now it's, "Why not?" :)

I've learned that she likes to know the explanations for things. She likes things that make sense. If we can't do or have something that she'd really like, I explain to her why it's not possible and we try to find a way to make it happen in the near future, if we can. I'm also learning that when I am kind and respect her, she is kind and respectful in return. I can already see some of the benefits of our change in mindset, and I'm excited to see where it will take us as we progress along this journey.

Update on Bedtime

Last night I snuggled with Zoe for about half an hour. Then I told her I was gonna leave even though I could tell she wasn't happy about it, because I wanted to spend a little time with Cheo before he had to go to bed. (He has to get up at about 4:30am for work.) 

About 2 minutes later she came into our room to give me something. I realized I was still being selfish. She still needed me. I went back into her room and snuggled her and chatted. After about 15 minutes she asked me to sing her a lullaby. Then she closed her eyes and said "Good night, mama." I took that as my cue, and when I left her room, she was smiling. She didn't call at all.

Bedtime

Last night I got frustrated and a little out of control with Zoe at bedtime. We had done bedtime prayers, brushed her teeth and I had tucked her into bed. She wasn't quite ready for me to leave, but I needed to use the restroom and *I* was tired, so I didn't have much patience for her to move all her animals around before I tucked her in. I told her she could finish arranging them after I left. Then I went into the bathroom, which shares a wall with her bedroom. 

Almost immediately, she started calling me. By the time I was able to get to her, she had probably called me at least 10 or 15 times. Not a huge deal normally, but we're currently sharing a home with my brother and his family, and trying not to disturb them too much. 

By the time I opened her door to ask her what she wanted, I was livid. Angry with her for continuing to call me over and over again, frustrated that Cheo hadn't heard her and responded (he thought I was with her, so wasn't listening for her), and then when she told me what it was that she needed (to go to the bathroom), I was even angrier because she could have easily walked to the bathroom door and knocked instead of yelling for me.

I angrily reminded her that she is 5 years old and very able to go to the bathroom on her own without my assistance. Then I expressed my irritation that she would call numerous times instead of waiting for me to respond or seeking me out.

She looked so forlorn. Less than. Sad to have disappointed me. Then she told me that when I talk to her like that she feels like I don't love her. My response? "Don't ever say that again. You know I love you." Angrily, of course. Just then, reality hit me.

I know that feeling. I've felt it before and hated it. She wasn't saying that to be mean; it's how she really felt. I hugged her and told her I was sorry for making her sad. I was sorry for making her feel like I don't love her. I assured her that I will always love her and I will try not to be angry any more. I failed. Again. What a horrible cycle this is.

Today I was reading some unschooling blogs and happened upon one that was talking about sleeping. One of the contributors shared that her 6yo daughter still likes to be cuddled at night and she realized that she wasn't giving her enough time. She was calling and coming out multiple times because she still needed more "mommy time." She said that once she changed her priorities and decided to spend as much time as her daughter needed at bedtime, the calling and coming out stopped. I realized that Zoe is doing the same thing and I am being selfish.

She needs more "mommy time." And it doesn't matter that she's at home all day with me and could snuggle me at any time of the day. She needs time with me at night, while she's falling asleep. And I'm gonna give it to her.