Part of the radical unschooling philosophy is that if you allow your children freedom, they will choose the things that they truly need. This is true of everything including, but not limited to, tv, video games, movies, food, and sleep. As we are currently sharing a home with my brother, his wife and their 3 boys (actually, they are sharing their home with us - thank you!), we have decided to start REALLY slowly with the things that will not directly affect/interrupt their life. These are mostly: movies and food. Movies is actually pretty easy, since Cheo and I both love them and are excited about sharing lots with Zoe. We've never really limited her movie watching anyway and she can watch YouTube videos, Nick Jr., PBS, NOVA, Nature - there's so much great stuff available online!
Food, on the other hand, is a very different story. What happens when a 5yo who has been limited to 1 or 2 pieces of candy a day is allowed to eat whatever she wants, whenever she wants? You guessed it! For the first few days she asked for candy a couple times a day. Once she realized that we were saying yes EVERY TIME she asked, she started asking more often. Well, we realized that she didn't have many options for snacks when she was with us up in the attic (where the candy is kept). So yesterday we got some other snacks that we could keep near the candy. Guess what happened. She still asked for candy. But interspersed were requests for peanuts and crackers. I admit that I broke at one point today and posted a cry for help on a Radical Unschooling board because I freaked out at the amount of candy she had eaten this week. But while I was waiting for a reply, I reviewed what she had eaten today and realized that it was all pretty balanced, even if it WAS a bit more candy than I would have chosen for her.
The reply to my post came from Sandra Dodd this evening (I couldn't believe SHE was the one who responded - she's my favorite source for unschooling info), and because of her words of wisdom I realized that I was teaching Zoe the poor eating habits I've had all my life (that sweets are special treats and you rarely get to eat them - we mostly only got them on special occasions or when we were visiting relatives - so they were rare and we would hoard and gorge). So if I want her to view all foods in a healthy way, I need to make a change in the way I present food to her.
If candy and sweets are something you can have whenever you want them, they're no longer rare or special, and you don't feel the need to gorge yourself on them whenever they're available. They are just food. If they're presented like all other food they're no big deal.
So we're gonna ride this out and watch as Zoe continues to make choices. Her own choices. And I'm convinced that she will be healthier because we let her have candy whenever she wants it. I know it sounds weird, but I think it'll work.
I think that I'm mostly having a hard time, because I'm used to us balancing each other out. I'm usually the one that is saying, "Why not?" when the "rules" start taking the fun out of everything. Now that there is a lot more flexibility, I feel lost! When the "rule" is "why not?" then my old position is irrelevant. I will have to find new and different exciting things with which to entice the curiosity of our precocious child!
ReplyDeleteRules take the fun out of everything...interesting. So let's just have fun! I love you!
ReplyDeleteLiam and Deacon have always been allowed to have candy and sweets more than other kids (I just don't care that much honestly :) But they still seem to ALWAYS want it. Or chips...junk food. Not sure why this hasn't worked for them.
ReplyDeleteIs it as available to them as other foods? According to Sandra Dodd and a bunch of other unschoolers that have gone through this process, it's the emphasis that WE put on sweets as "special" that makes our kids think of them that way. This "special" feeling they end up having toward sweets is what makes them seem "better" to our kids than other foods. If we can make them as common and accessible as any other food, the "specialness" will eventually go away and they will eat them only when they want them, and not necessarily EVERY TIME they're offered. Eventually can take a while though. ;)
ReplyDeleteThe "experts" say that toddlers know what kinds of foods their bodies need and that we should trust them to eat what they need. (At least, this is what I read in BabyCenter and ParentCenter.) I don't know why we think we need to stop doing this as they get older. At some point we start forcing them to eat what WE think they should eat and eventually they lose the ability to discern their bodies' needs. This is one school of thought on the subject, but it makes sense to me.
I've never heard of this idea before, but after reading this post, it makes so much sense! I'm so glad you decided to have this blog. Can't wait to read more.
ReplyDeleteWow! I think now as an adult I can see my choices. I think it is great and cant wait to see what choices Zoe makes with the candy. I have it readily available, but still choose other stuff and rarely buy candy. How awesome is that? I think it is great what you are doing. I cant wait to see how everything turns out. I've thought about doing the same whenever we have kids. By the way, miss you guys!!!
ReplyDeleteI find this very interesting but also very bizarre. I am just being honest, not judging. I think kids need boundaries and it is our job to tell them WHY we don't eat candy all the time. It should be something special but we should also be teaching them that we don't "gorge" on it because it isn't good for us. If this is the view we take on raising our children then what do we do when they want alcohol or something dangerous that is actually okay in moderation? It seems to me that teaching them in this way will not teach them self-control, one of the first things a child needs to learn.
ReplyDeleteAdriana has rarely been allowed to have candy and junk and she will choose tomatoes, peppers and onions over candy when offered. I definitely don't think children should be allowed to make ALL their own decisions as this would totally take away the need for a parent. I think Zoe is a great kid and love how involved you two are as parents! Just giving my (unsolicited) opinion.
I agree that it sounds bizarre, because I felt the same way before I understood the bigger picture. I came from a background where "kids need boundaries and it's our job to teach them" which is actually what we are doing, only we're doing it in a way that sounds bizarre. The difference is how it's explained to the child, and what the consequences are of the decisions that the child makes. We do explain to Zoe the consequences of eating too much candy, and why it's important to eat a well-balanced meal. At the same time, we empower her to make the fully informed decision -- because that is what she is going to have to do for the rest of her life. Zoe doesn't "gorge" on candy, because 1) she doesn't "gorge" on anything, and 2) we model moderation to her in all things.
ReplyDeleteWhat are we going to do when she wants alcohol? Well, if we've raised her to eat and drink everything in moderation, what makes you think that she would treat alcohol any differently? The reason why most people drink to excess is because it's modeled to them that there is something special about it (which is why you can't have it until you're 21) and so when the "magic" age hits, they unleash all of their pent up frustrations with this particular "special" thing -- which leads to overindulgence. I have known a lot of people that drank themselves as soon as they turned 21 and then got tired of it before they turned 25. Once the "specialness" wears off, it's just not that big of a deal anymore.
I think it's really cool that Adriana will choose healthier options over candy. She seems like a really neat girl. But I don't think that "not allowing" a child to have candy teaches them "self-control" it teaches them that YOU are in control. What happens when that control is removed (ie. when she goes off to college?) I think this is where we fundamentally disagree in philosophy. We don't feel that our role as parents is to control Zoe, but rather to model the behaviors that she should emulate. Instead of setting rules and punishments, we offer guidance and experience. So far, we're having a LOT more fun. :)
Thanks for explaining it a little more for me, Cheo! You make a very good argument ;-) And Zoe is an awesome kid! I wish you guys the best in your new adventure!
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