Listen and Trust

*Listen* to what she says with an open mind. Don't listen with an ear tuned to your ideas of what she should be thinking or should not be thinking. Listen to *her* ideas. Don't impose your "right" way of thinking on her. Don't lead her to your "right" way of viewing the world. Listen to her growing understanding. Trust that she's a thinking being and her ideas will change as she gains experience with the world. Trust she'll value kindness if who she is is treated with respect and kindness. Trust that she'll want to step on your ideas if you show her that's what you do with people who don't have the same ideas as you do. ~Joyce Fetteroll

I read this and immediately wanted to shout it out loud to the world. It wonderfully expresses an understanding that has just begun to blossom in me regarding my relationship with Zoe. It's a pretty simple idea; to treat your child as a person of value. Not a CHILD of value. A person of value. 

Zoe is not an extension of myself. She is not a piece of clay to mold as I see fit. She is her own PERSON. 

And she has GREAT ideas! Now that I am taking the time to partner with her and really LISTEN to what she is saying, I've found that she's full of interesting, different, SUCCESSFUL ways of doing things that I've been doing MY WAY for years. And, more often than not, her ideas are BETTER than what I've always done. It's both humbling and very exciting!

The second part of this quote really affected me. Trust. Trust her. Trust that she will absorb how I treat her and will extend the same kind of behavior to those in her life - for good or bad. I've actually SEEN this demonstrated, in both ways, in the past few weeks.

If you've been reading my blog, you'll know that I've had a big struggle with anger and yelling. Well, I finally feel like I'm gaining understanding and control of my reactions in stressful situations; situations that would have previously caused me to become undone. I'm seeing a breakthrough, and almost every time I feel that anger coming up, I'm able to stop and take a breath, and respond calmly to the situation. It's a wonderful feeling.

But Zoe is still operating under the old framework that she learned from observing the way I reacted for most of her life. 

Zoe has a puppy, named Muffins. She loves her more than anything else in her life right now, with the possible exception of Cheo and me. ;) When Muffins does something that frustrates her, things that Zoe can't control (normal puppy things - like chewing on a shoe or not snuggling when Zoe wants her to), I sadly watch her mimic the horrible ways I have treated her in the past. Yelling at her, holding on to her (even though it's obvious that Muffins wants to get down), making angry faces at her. My heart aches for them both. The puppy who is starting to be afraid of her owner and the little girl who is hurting and scaring the thing she loves most in the world.

Then my heart aches for the little girl and her mama, who have played out these same kinds of scenarios for most of the past 6 years. I hope and pray that the love and lessons of peace that I've learned and am now applying will somehow override the damage I've done to the most wonderful gift in my life. And I pray that she will see and understand so her own children won't have to feel the sadness and hurt that she has during the past 6 years.

I've caught myself saying to Zoe about Muffins, "If you treat her badly, she won't like you very much and she won't want to be around you." If this is true with dogs, how much more true is it with our children? They may be able to hide it better, but the feelings are still there.

Thankfully, I've learned (and am learning) better ways to deal with anger and NOW I'm modeling better behavior to her most of the time. And I'm seeing her start to model some of the new, better behaviors that she sees. We also talk about strategies that work for HER to help her not treat Muffins poorly even when she feels angry or hurt. I understand that what works for me may not work for her, so I focus on HER feelings and what makes HER feel better.

I see now that the key to having a home filled with peace is to BE peaceful, and to listen - REALLY listen and respect everyone in the home.