Do I Have To? Really?

What a completely foreign idea it is to think that a child can learn what they need to know WITHOUT a curriculum, tests and grades. This is the crux of unschooling. It makes sense to Cheo and I, but it's a difficult concept to truly grasp. We have been told for so long that in order to be successful you have to go to school, then you have to go get some post-secondary education, then you have to get a job, then you have to buy a house, get married, have children....and the cycle begins again with your kids. But what if you DON'T have to do all those things to be successful? What would that mean?

That question alone is pretty amazing. 

In the few months that we have been unschooling and applying that question to learning, it has started to seep into other areas too. I realized a few days ago that I've been living my life by "have tos" for a very long time. Sometimes they're things that others have told me I have to do; often they're things that I feel (for one reason or another) I have to do. Each time another one comes up, I stop and look at it. I try to identify how true (or not) it is. And I've realized that most of the time, I DON'T have to. 

Here's a list of some of the things I've realized that I don't HAVE to do:

• make my bed
• go to bed at a "reasonable" time
  
• get up early
  
• go to church
  
• wash the dishes
• make a meat-and-potatoes dinner
• have a house that's ready for company at any moment 

I come from a family where all the above things are expected. They are "have tos." But I realized that all of these things are choices that I make every time I do them (if I do them). The amazing thing I've learned is that I am not worth more if I do them and less if I don't. I can choose to do them or not, and I am still me. I am still worthwhile.

I've spent a long time berating myself for not being the "ideal woman," comparing myself to so many other people and not loving myself for who I am. The greatness for me about understanding that I don't really HAVE to do anything is the freedom from guilt. I didn't realize how much of my life has been driven by guilt, driven by some vague idea of what the perfect wife/mother/daughter/etc should be. And not living up to those expectations. Being me should be enough.

And it is. I hope that through unschooling and the ways it's changing how we interact with our world, Zoe will grow up and not need this type of realization because she'll already know that she's wonderful just the way she is.

Maybe I'm not a radical unschooler? Maybe I was doing it wrong.

I've just finished reading The Continuum Concept by Jean Liedloff. John Holt recommended this book at the end of his book, Teach Your Own. Liedloff's premise is that most people in Western Civilization either choose "child-centered" or "parent-centered" styles, both of which are detrimental to ourselves and our children. But what we should really be doing is living our normal lives, doing our everyday things, and bringing our children along with us so they can experience life and see how to live.

It appears that many parents of toddlers, in their anxiety to be neither negligent nor disrespectful, have gone overboard in what may seem to be the other direction.

~Jean Liedloff 

Radical unschooling really resonates with me, particularly showing respect to your children, living by principles rather than rules, and not using punishment to coerce them into doing what you want them to do. I want Zoe to be her own person.

The problem has been that Cheo and I don't know exactly how to put these ideals into practice, both coming from more traditional parenting backgrounds. So we went from traditional parenting to child-centered living. Neither one was having the desired effects. Traditional parenting caused resentment and anger, in both parents and child. Child-centered living did the same, while also causing our child to push her limits, trying to ascertain where they ended and when we would take control again. 

According to Liedloff, a child instinctively knows that they need guidance from adults and older children to learn how to find their way in the world.  When they have too many choices, or too many decisions to make (particularly when they're not sure what the correct choice is) they are overwhelmed and feel insecure.

Again, this idea resonated with me, since we've been having difficulties with Zoe lately and have not really been sure what to do about it. One of the big keys in Liedloff's suggestions is that you tell your child what is expected of him or her, then you EXPECT them to do it. Most of the time they will. But if they don't, you don't show any anger. (This has ALWAYS been my issue. I am quick to anger, but trying DESPERATELY to change.) 

Today, I tried Liedloff's approach. I told Zoe to take a blanket to another room. She said she didn't want to. So I calmly picked it up and turned around to do it myself. She stopped me and said she would do it. I was astonished. 

Children WANT to help and be productive. They need models and mentors so they can see what is acceptable and expected behavior in their social situations. 

We're still radically unschooling, I think. Learning is still everywhere and we're enjoying exploring the world. We're also gonna try this Continuum Concept stuff and see how it works. So far, so good. :)

Respect and EXPECT.