Yelling

Today, as Zoe and I were playing in her room, she looked at her pink heart pillow and said to me, "Sometimes my heart breaks when you yell at me and I yell back at you." 

Ouch. That hurt MY heart. I told her I'm sorry, and that it makes me really sad when we yell too. And I resolved, again, not to yell at her.

We moved on to the next part of our day, and I don't know if she even thought any more about it. She painted my nails and did my hair. We made chocolate milk and ate beef jerky. It was really fun - we called it "Girls' Night," since daddy was at work. 

I, on the other hand, can't stop thinking about it.

You see, in the past I considered yelling a necessary part of parenting. It's what I was used to, and I knew how to employ it and get the results I sought. Then I started reading about natural learning and began sharing that information with Cheo. We decided that we would no longer be following the traditional "spank and yell" parenting we'd grown up with and would instead partner with Zoe to make sure her needs are met, physically and emotionally. We strive to treat her with respect and courtesy; as we would wish to be treated, understanding that her desires, goals, and priorities may differ from ours but are no less important. The first few months were extremely difficult for all of us. Cheo and I had a lot of adjustments to make in our interactions with Zoe and with changes to our way of thinking. Yelling was no longer an option when we had a difference of opinion. After all, I wouldn't yell at an adult in order to get them to do what I wanted, so why would I treat my precious daughter that way?

My head totally gets it, but my emotions (and habits) are much harder to control. I've yelled at her since our decision, and every time my heart gets heavy and I feel awful. I see her little face fall and feel like I must be the worst parent in the world.

But today...today was bittersweet. I was so saddened that my actions hurt my sweet girl, but I also realized that she feels safe enough to tell me how she feels. That is a truly wonderful feeling. She knows that I love her and that I don't like when I yell. She knows that I want to do and be better. She knows that we're on the same team.

I wonder how many children have this same heartbroken feeling every day, maybe multiple times each day, but don't feel safe enough to tell their parents how they feel. How sad that they can't reach to their parents for comfort, because they're not sure if their parents are on their side. I remember that heart-sinking feeling from when I was young and my parents yelled at me. I felt worthless and unloved; that my feelings were unimportant and that they weren't willing to take the time to understand my perspective.

I refuse to continue to be a cause of those same feelings in my own daughter. Thankfully, my lapses are fewer and farther apart. I'm learning ways to get past my anger, to take a moment and breathe, to see what is REALLY causing us to be at odds. All of these strategies and more are helping me to become a partner to Zoe instead of an adversary. And life just keeps getting sweeter.


Zoe, I love you. And I will continue to strive every day to be your partner and resource to help you follow your passions and discover your destiny. You are already such an amazing person, and I am so proud to be your mama.